Nor'easter News

Terror in the Trees

Loren Beale

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It doesn’t take long for the students at the University of New England to come to the realization of the danger that lurks above them every day. Walking from class to class is a hazard with the frequent downfall of acorns. But there is another side to the story, it isn’t the wind that causes the acorns to assault the students, it is something far more unheard of. The squirrels.

Yes, the beloved UNE squirrels are behind the constant falling acorns. The students majoring in animal behavior have uncovered the secret organization just this past weekend. While “squirreling,” the students found a mass population  dwelling around a pile of acorns in the woods near Champlain, as depicted by the photo below. However, rather than the furry terrorists adding nuts for the upcoming winter, they were taking and carrying them to the trees around the campus. They then proceed to drop the acorns on unsuspecting students who happened to walk within dropping rang.

Student and squirreler, April Danielle, recalls a traumatic experience, “it was the squirrel that lives in the oak tree in front of the campus center. We hit the tree with an acorn and the squirrel popped out of the hole angrily. We decided to offer it a nut, so my friend tossed an acorn into the hole and the squirrel immediately threw it out and glared at us.

The environmental department believes that the squirrels are acting out due to the tracking collars placed on many of them. In times of stress, animals will join together and adapt to the changes to survive. In this case, the squirrels of UNE have created a system to force the students to stay away from trees in hopes of prevent further capture and decreased the amount of collared friends. Past evidence of squirrels chewing off fellow squirrel collars proves the increase of intelligence and self awareness of the rodents. One can only hope the increase in IQ does not carry on to the next generation of squirrels.

Please be on the lookout for conspiring rodents and falling acorns. We can only hope that their small minds have a short attention span and the squirrels will soon forget their plans to take over the campus. Until next time, good night and good luck.

 

 

*Halloween Special: not accurate to everyday UNE life, pure fiction*

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